The end and the new beginning

It's been 18 days and I finally feel like I can talk about things that happened.  I can finally admit it without the tears... My relationship is over.

It's hard to sit there and acknowledge that fact.  We spent almost four years together.  And the end was a complete surprise.

Am I angry?  Of course.  Sad? Heartbroken? Lonely?  Yes, yes and yes.  But at the end of the day, it is probably the best thing for both of us (I'm sure this statement would be much easier to accept later down the road).

We were having a regular phone conversation four days before Christmas, talking about plans for the upcoming weekend.  I expressed my frustration with his seemingly little interest in finally coming home and general lack of emotional attachment.  Apparently, that was all he needed to hear to get him to finally admit it.  Lots of things were said, things not worth repeating.  He said he couldn't offer me what I wanted anymore.

In a follow-up conversation a few days after, I identified the outlying problem...

We wanted different things.  He wanted his career and I wanted a family.   While I was willing to support his desire to advance his career, he wasn't willing to compromise his work anymore than he said he had in the past.  It's hard to hear that and it's still hard to write it.

I wish he had been as upfront with me about his wants as I had with him.  Differences in communication styles were really our ultimate downfall.  Sadly, I don't think I will ever have all the answers I need to feel like I understand why our relationship ended.  But is it worth driving myself crazy over?  No.  Definitely not.

So with the support of my family and friends, I move on in 2011 with the new Megan.  The Megan that gets a fresh start.... the Megan with goals.... and most importantly, a much smarter Megan (emotionally at least).